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- Michelle Rodriguez Is Too Much Woman For Me
Michelle Rodriguez. Other side of that line I just drew for Pink. Michelle scares me like no other woman on this planet, save for my German dental hygienist, the girlfriend I accidentally cheated on who lit my clothes on fire, and my mom, who’s kind of like a combination of the former two. I know you will say that it takes a real man to tame a woman like Michelle Rodriguez. I’m not that man. I don’t want to tame. It’s too much work.
- Pink is Glamorous
Pink is pretty hot for a dude. I don’t say that lightly. Of all the girls who look kind of like dudes, Pink I think you get away with liking without your buddies calling you the next Jason Collins. It’s a fine line between wanting a strong, haunchy, ruffian woman in bed and just wanting to lie down with a man. I’m calling Pink on this side of the line.
Here’s Pink in Glamour magazine. If you read this magazine, you’re on the other side of the line. Not that it matters.
- Not Something You Want to See If You're Flying Any Time Soon (VIDEO)
Seriously, don’t watch this if you’re scared of planes, flying, about to fly, male stewards, or just generally an anxious person. This cargo plane leaving Bagram airfield north of Kabul seems to have had a dramatic shift in its cargo weight shortly after take-off (or something else that would cause it to roll so violently). You’re probably not going to be on a cargo plane in Afghanistan any time soon (and if you are, godspeed). Still, don’t watch unless you’re strong of nerve. And, if you do, notice how people in many parts of the world take camera phone videos of horrific events without so much as a flinch or verbal reaction. In general, don’t pick a fight with people who watch giant planes crash before their eyes and then go have a sandwich. They’re very hard to beat.
- Melissa Satta In A Bikini
Melissa Satta left Boston as a teenager because hot girls don’t belong in Boston. City charter mandates girls in the upper echelon move out at least as far as Southern New Hampshire by the age of consent. She moved to Italy where her parents were from and became a big time television hostess and personality because she has an amazing ass and flawless English. This sort of tracks my own personal journey, thought I wasn’t hot and my parents were from a midwestern city where the Italian kids beat my dad up a lot. Still, I like to think we’d have something in common should I ever meet her after sneaking into an airline VIP club one day.
Here’s Melissa in a bikini in Miami. That city has the opposite policy of Boston. Hot girls have to move there when they turn 18. I’ll leave it to you to decide which burg has a better civic plan.
- Now THIS GUY Has Big Balls
Sometimes it takes the plight of a guy like Wesley Warren to remind yourself how lucky you are. Wesley literally has some big balls. They weigh 130 pounds. Just look at those fucking nuts. This poor dude suffers from a disease called scrotal lymphedema in which your scrotum fills up with all kinds of shit you don’t want your ball sac filling up with. Imagine you’re talking to Warren and you complain about how your job sucks and your woman is getting fat, blah, blah, blah. All he has to say is, “Yeah, well my bobos are bigger than a german shepherd’. Enough said, Wesley.
Happy news update on Wesley Warren: it took 13 hours to remove his massive nut meat and basically reconstruct this guy’s entire junk with skin grafts, but Warren is now 132 pounds lighter. Doctors don’t even know how he got the disease because it usually strikes people in one of those shitty countries where the poor still die from bug bites and being dragged out in the night by chupacabras.
(Thanks to ‘Brett’ for the hot tip on this gargantuan scrotum situation)
- Anne Vyalitsyna Is In GQ Mexico
GQ Mexico apparently exists and I was surprised to know they don't feature Selena Gomez on every cover. They went with Victoria Secret model and girl who dumped Adam Levine, Anne Vyalitsyna, and truthfully I'm not that impressed. Is she good looking? Sure, but do I want to ravage her? Again sure, but these pictures only sort of elicit impure thoughts of bondage and building hidden rooms in the basement, so they do nothing for me. Call me crazy, call me gay, but my opinions dare to be different. And that's the sexiest thing of all.
Photo Credit: GQ Mexico
- Taylor Swift Wrote a Song on a Really Tiny Piano and She's Sharing It With the World
How gentle the lamb Taylor Swift. A pure soul driven to the music by divine guidance, to the dilapidated toy piano where she penned her first song about boys trying to stick their dirty parts in her special place. Boys who would all eventually disappoint her one way or another, not understanding that real pleasure in life comes from expanding your shmata line into discount stores in China.
"When I was a little girl I used to read fairy tales. In fairy tales you meet Prince Charming and he’s everything you ever wanted. In fairy tales the bad guy is very easy to spot. The bad guy is always wearing a black cape so you always know who he is. Then you grow up and you realize that Prince Charming is not as easy to find as you thought. You realize the bad guy is not wearing a black cape and he’s not easy to spot; he’s really funny, and he makes you laugh, and he has perfect hair."
― Taylor Swift
She’s like the first snowflake of winter.
Here’s Taylor in promotional shots for her Red World Concert Tour this summer. If you don’t see her this summer, you may never see her again. So plan accordingly.
- Paris Hilton Was Born to Sell
If I told you that a blonde-haired lazy-eyed herp-ridden cocaine-addled heiress would someday become the world’s most successful nightclub promotions pimp, you’d tell me, duh, that that was completely obvious. Nobody whores up nightclub openings better and bigger and with more fake enthusiasm than Paris Hilton. I don’t care if she’s double dutching two bottles of Cristal in Riyadh or ringing the bell for a helado cart at a park in East Los Angeles, Paris Hilton brings in a ton of really stupid people with cash money to events. When she’s older, Paris will be standing in front of Sizzler restaurants with her house coat slit up to her supportive undergarments, her new robotic left eye auto-scanning the perimeter for potential early bird dinner sales. But that’s not for like five more years.
Here’s Paris in gold at yet another Vegas nightclub opening. She likely pocketed low six figures to preen for an hour and then get wasted in the club dancing for another hour. So, who’s laughing now. Well, besides her drug dealer.
- Courtney Stodden Steps Out To Lunch
Courtney Stodden looks like her white blood cells are barely being held together by duct tape and semen after a 30 year Hall of Fame career in porn. That’s obviously not the case, however, because she’s somehow only 18 and everyone from Playboy to Hustler to Penthouse has turned her down. But that doesn’t matter to me or the chubby reincarnated Corey Haim look alike she’s with because paid or not, we require all our 18 year old women to look like as big a whore as they can at all times.
- Gwyneth Paltrow In People
This is the photo spread People magazine got for inventing the World’s Most Beautiful Woman title and handing it out to Gwyneth Paltrow. After Katy Perry got divorced People ran a big spread calling her the Happiest She’s Ever Been, while Katy looked sullen, acne-flared, and like the hallucinogenics just ran out at multi day rave with forty-seven hours left to go. Gwyneth’s's kind of a pretty woman, but not pretty enough that you wouldn’t toss her out of your moving vehicle less than an hour into a road trip with the wildly smug control freak.
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